DreeDoo’s Special Report
Something is terrible is happening in Klick`Anon. It's really quite evil. We sent one of our correspondents there to check on the situation. Here's what he had to say…
Submitted by Berryberrygud, the Halfling Pie Correspondent (Community Member Yorkiedruid)
I am sorry that I have taken so long to get together my latest report for my column, "Halfling Piemania", but I was engrossed in following up a rumor on a new gnome Clockwork Pie Recipe. I had heard about the recipe from the Riverdale Marketplace, and headed out to Klick'Anon after equipping myself with my cooking gear.
When I got to Klick'Anon, I noticed a blue gelatin mold guarding an evil looking gnome. When I asked the guards about the mold (wondering if it was the elusive blueberry gelatin or the more common grape flavor), they directed me to the Elder standing nearby.
The Elder told me that he was worried about a clockwork invasion of the city. I nodded politely, then asked him the important question: did he know of a Clockwork Pie Recipe?
He looked a bit startled, but eventually told me that the rogue clockworks had raided a lot of paper plans and that a collection of papers concerning a pie recipe had been also taken.
A bit miffed at the poor security of such an important find, I asked the Elder where the papers had been taken. He then sent me off on wild recipe chases all over the clockwork area.
The first recipe part I found was from some green jello slime wannabes. They were pretty easy to get rid of, but I am not really partial to lime jello and would have preferred a more berry type flavor. The last mob was a clockwork guy that dropped the first piece of the recipe; even though the rogues had defaced the paper with some sort of invasion plans they had not obscured the recipe itself. Unfortunately, only the title of the recipe was legible, as the rest of the recipe was written in ancient gnome. So I returned to the Elder, who promised to work on translating the recipe. After a brief stop at a local mine to stomp on some clockwork rats (hurt my feet but was easy to whack them), the Elder then sent me off to go visit an evil gnome guru on a mountain south of Klick who was supposed to have originally derived the meaning of Pi. I just HAD to find this gnome. I went off, climbed up to the highest peak, then found him standing on the very top of the mountain. I was disappointed to find that he just kept talking about invasion plans, and would not even discuss bakery options but ended up attacking me instead! Needless to say, I used my Rolling Pin of Agony and whacked him and took back the second part of the recipe.
When I returned to the Elder, he told me he was still working on the paper and had made progress, but said there were still some pieces missing. I went off on search and ended up fighting off some clockwork creatures. My handy dandy measuring spoons allowed me to jimmy their gears and I used my rolling pin to whack them to assorted scrap metal and got another couple of pieces.
The Elder told me he had all but the last part of the recipe (after going on and on about some stupid invasion plans: I wish he would keep to the mission and not going on about incidentals) and that I needed to talk to one last gnome, some guy called Recon Recon. I tracked him down, and he told me of a giant Giant gnome that was going to attack Klick and destroy everything in sight. I asked him about the recipe: he said he didn't know but the Giant was the last piece of the invasion. So I figured that if it was the last mob, it should have my recipe piece.
I headed off east, and saw a Humongous Giant coming at me. I was flabbergasted; how was I to stop and whack this thing, when it was so huge that even lava bats had to fly around him rather than over him? As he came closer, I suddenly saw the cutest little green jello mold hanging around him. I grabbed out my cooking manual on "Things to eat, not eat and not be eaten by in Tunaria" and found out that it was the deadliest corrosive, a slime with the most powerful toxin ooze to ever be attacked by a spoon. I put on my Baker's Gloves with maximum pr/dr and got out my Slingshot of Dessert Catapulting and scooped up the slime and sent it right into the mouth of the Giant.
I backed up as the Giant stopped and made grinding noises. It started blowing green smoke out of its ears, and the clanking and whining noises increased to almost a painful level. The Giant took one more step, then collapsed into a giant pile of assorted metal body parts and scraps. As I approached cautiously, the slime emerged, acting a bit dazed, and wobbled off towards the eastern horizon and soon was out of sight.
I searched the body parts, but only found some assorted metal gems and a nice green robe that matched my eyes. The slime was gone, but any paper it might have had would have been ruined anyway. Was my search over?
I returned to the Elder. He told me that the gems would give me a short illusion of various clockworks, but that he didn't know where the rest of the recipe was. He gave me what he had of the recipe, but kept going on and on about the invasion being over. Not in the mood for useless banter, I took my leave and headed home.
When I got back to Riverdale, I took out the recipe and looked at it in discouragement. Was my quest for the elusive Clockwork Pie Recipe going to be uncompleted? I decided to go ahead and try out the gems to see if I could boost my spirits. I tried out the first, got to be a spider. That was fun. The next one made me a rat. Then I decided to try out another one that looked like a pie shape. Imagine my surprise when I turned into a gnome clockwork Chef! I had an apron and the little hat, all made out of metal. I ran to my mirror to admire this form, and noticed some writing on the apron. When I looked closer, I realized that it was a gnomish translation of the final part of the recipe!
I copied it down, disillusioned myself and started making the Clockwork Pies. I had to make some substitutions (what in the world is a left handed Spanner anyway?) but was able to make several pies without any problem. As the pie's cooking aromas permeated the area of my house, I soon had a large group of pie eating volunteers rounded up to try out the new Recipe.
The pies were a resounding success. Everyone thought they were great, even though all the pie eaters had a tendency to go "boing" every hour on the hour for the first day or so.
Well, that is my report on the new Pie Recipe. I am going to send you a copy to put in the paper in my next correspondence. The Elder did ask me to tell you that the invasion to Klick had been averted, but I don't know if anyone in the paper will be interested in that or not. I mean, an invasion over a new Pie Recipe? It's your call, that's what they pay you the big tunars for.
Signing off...take care, and may your pies always be hot and yummy.